


Until Next Winter

by northernskyhills



Series: Snow Trilogy [2]
Category: Game Grumps
Genre: Confusion, Different Character Names, M/M, Seasonal Affective Disorder, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, downhill spiral
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-04-25
Packaged: 2019-04-27 23:03:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,335
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14436057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/northernskyhills/pseuds/northernskyhills
Summary: Co-author: tumblr user hottubofmiracles





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Co-author: tumblr user hottubofmiracles

I had remembered the day we had first kissed, I was ashamed of Ross leaving me at my wedding, but Arin had been there for me, just like he always has. He was there for me when my dog died, when my parents divorced, and when my boyfriend broke up with me. I’ve known him all my life, and he has the one person who has never let me down. After I had left his house that day, I had walked home by myself to my house. Ross and I didn’t live together, so I didn’t have to worry about seeing him. Quite frankly I would not have cared if I ever did see him again. If he didn’t want any part of me, then I wouldn’t have any part of him.

The walk home was very long and very cold. I really should’ve called an Uber. Once I did get home, I immediately took off my soggy suit and hopped into my hot shower.  Afterward, I immediately collapsed on my bed and passed out within seconds of me hitting the covers.

My sleep that night wasn’t refreshing in the slightest. I didn’t remember any of my dreams, but one thing kept recurring in my mind over and over again. The faces of all my friends and family. The pity in their eyes. They wouldn’t stop looking at me. I ran and ran and ran but everywhere I looked they were staring at me. Arin was nowhere to be found this time as I collapsed to the ground on my knees sobbing.

I wake up abruptly, my alarm practically screaming at me from my bedside table. The dream only felt like a few minutes, but in reality, several hours had passed. I pick up my phone and halt the blaring alarm. A missed call from Arin and a single text.

“Hey, I know it’s only been 8 hours and 17 minutes but I just wanted to check in on you. I hope you’re okay. You don’t have to respond if you’re not ready. Just know I’m here for you.” He added a heart at the end of the text and it made me smile. Was I ready to talk to him? I didn’t know at that moment, but I wasn’t ready to think about it. I got up and stretched out my long limbs from my stiff sleep. I look out my window and look up at the sky, the sun was blotted out with thick winter clouds. Light grays and faint blues easily blended into each other, you couldn’t tell where one color started and another ended. In a way it was beautiful, yet it was still a cruel reminder of why I was so miserable.

**~.~.~**

I continued my normal morning routine like I always do as if nothing had happened. I haven’t spoken to Ross at all and I definitely wasn’t complaining about that. Good riddance to bad trash. I shuffled into my kitchen and started to heat up some water for tea.  I can’t believe it’s been four days since everything. It feels like everything had been going in slow motion. I still haven’t talked to Arin. It hurts a lot, as if I’m missing a piece of my heart, even more so when I turn to the side expecting to see him there and he isn't. I spent some time sobbing and the rest of the time feeling like I was numb. While I was grabbing tea bags from the cupboard,  I heard a light knock coming from the front door.

“Who knocks on people’s door at nearly 8:30 in the morning?” I mumbled to nobody in particular. I walked towards the door and whoever was there knocked a little bit louder then they did the first time. “Coming!” I yelled at them, and I opened the door a little annoyed. I was staring directly into the icy blue eyes I’ve all too quickly grown to despise, it was Ross. I instinctively slammed the door, locked it behind me, and leaned my entire weight into the door. I felt my heart stop and start up again at a tremendous rate when I closed the door. Panic began to settle in and my mind raced with possible means of escaping this situation.

“Danny? Please open the door, I need to talk to you.” I heard his voice on the other side of the thin wooden barrier separating us. I forced my throat to clear and I choked out defiant words to try to make him leave.

“Yeah? Well, I don’t. I don’t want to see you, Ross.” I felt him try to open the door and I pushed my measly weight into the door even more. Despite the door being locked, I felt the door slightly open anyway from the shitty chain lock I have on my door.

“Danny please it’s important I really need to talk to you!” He said this with much more force than he did before, he was always so impatient.

I realized I have to give him what he wants or he’s going to break the door down. “Fine, what do you want?” I heard him take in a deep breath and quickly exhale.

“Listen, I’m sorry I jilted you. I’m sure Arin already told you why I left, so I won’t recap, but I need you to know that I really am sorry about what I did to you…” I didn’t believe this for a second, but at least I was listening.

I felt anger begin to boil within my chest. “Then why didn’t you deny my proposal? If you didn’t love me then why did you agree to spend your life with me?” He was silent for several moments, I was secretly hoping he had left. I was disappointed when I heard his voice again.

“If I was honest, it would be because… I knew you loved me, and I didn’t want to reject you. I felt pity, you were so sincere and loving…” Immediately hundreds of questions raced through my head. I was so confused and angry I couldn’t formulate words properly. I unlocked the door and opened it forcefully.

“Pity? Are you serious? You couldn’t deny my proposal but you left me at the altar? Do you realize how much fucking  _ bullshit _ that is? You felt that I was just  _ so _ pathetic that you thought it was okay to accept my proposal but leave me at the altar in embarrassment? I got more pity from family and friends  _ collectively _ than from  _ you _ !” I inched closer and closer to him, pointing a finger at his face. Forget the fact that three fingers were being pointed back at me; bullshit, in this case, it did not apply. I was not blaming myself for my misfortunes anymore.

He kept backing away from me with every word I spoke. Eventually, he stumbled off my porch, tripped, and fell into the walkway to my house. I stood over him and tried to give him the sternest look I could muster. “I don’t  _ ever _ want to see your face ever again Ross. And I hope you never forget what you did to me and it haunts you for the rest of your  _ life _ . Now get the hell out of here before I call the police.” I could see tears stinging his eyes and he quickly got up from the ground and stumbled away into his car.

I stormed back into my house and leaned back into the door after I closed and locked it again. I shakily sigh and feel tears prick my own eyes. Why was I even crying? Why did I care? I knew exactly why: it’s because I’m not over him yet. It’s only been a few days so of course, I wouldn’t be, but I’m already accepting the fact I despise him and I never want to see his stupid face again. But I also still cared about him, after all, I did love him for a long long time. I wipe my tears away and try to take steady breaths. I hear a screaming kettle and that brings me back to reality, I dash to the kitchen to take the water off the stove so it won’t boil over and turn off the stove. I pour a cup of water and set the tea bag in, and I watch it slowly begin to steep. Getting over Ross was going to take time, but I hope I will even be able to in the first place. I take my warm mug with me to the couch and I slowly sink into it as I begin to finally relax.

“That was enough human contact for today…” I say to myself. I begin to chuckle to myself, then it escalates to laughter. I don’t even know why I’m laughing. Then there are hot tears rolling down my cheeks. The laughter fades away and is replaced with sobbing. I just wanted Arin. Arin at home with me. Arin in my arms. Arin in my bed. Arin on my mouth, kissing me. Then there was Ross. Ross who used to be in my arms. Ross who used to kiss me like he actually loved me. Ross who stole my heart, used it, only to leave it cracking apart when he left. Was it all just a game for Ross? Some ploy to get me to love him and only to leave me hurt in the end? I don’t know anymore. I hate not knowing. Not knowing is the worst part. I wipe my tears away and sniffle, I’ve suddenly become very, very tired, and I just wanted to sleep. It was probably the mixture of the soothing smell of tea in my hands and the sudden release of emotions. I set my tea down on the coffee table and pull a blanket over myself. I know I only awoke recently, but it obviously seems like I didn’t get enough sleep. A short nap couldn’t hurt anybody. I slowly begin to shut my eyes, drifting off to sleep before I even know it.


	2. Chapter Two

A few more days pass from the incident with Ross, but they have practically been a blur. I hear a familiar song coming from a different room. Guitar riffs and energetic drums, performing in a familiar and comforting pattern. It was the beginning of the song “Limelight” by Rush. My eyes open slowly and I lift my head up, I still hear the music. Once I regain my senses, I remember that that song was the ringtone on my phone. I bolt up from my bed and frantically try to find my phone before I miss the call. Once I got to my phone, which was under a pile of trash and dirty clothes, I had already missed the call. My bright screen had read,  _ Arin Evenboer: Missed Call (6) _ . “Shit... “ I cursed under my breath, “How long had I been sleeping?” My first instinct was to look out the window, so I turned my head towards my open bedroom window. It was pitch black outside. I look back at my phone to see what time it was. Daylight savings time was tricky, it got darker earlier and earlier every day. The time read 7:47 P.M. Well alright then. I guess I fell asleep while watching Netflix again. I bring my hand up to my face and I squeeze my temples in frustration. “It’s not like I had things to do today or anything.” I’m sassing nobody but myself, I swear to God I’m slowly going crazy.

Back to the more important question; should I call Arin back? I really want to, but in order for me to move on, I need to distance myself from him. I think if I see him I couldn’t control myself. But what if we just talk on the phone? That couldn’t be too bad, right? Maybe not tonight. Not after what happened with Ross. It was too soon, at least it felt that way. But I’ll text him. I begin to type out an apology text to Arin for not responding to him. Suddenly I hear the doorbell ring. If it’s Ross again I don’t know what I’ll do. Actually, I know exactly what I would do, I would punch him in his stupid face. I smirk to myself at the pleasant thought. I walk to the door hoping it's the mailman. “Wait… that doesn’t make any sense,” I sigh to myself, “It’s almost eight at night…what the hell am I thinking?”

I look down and take a shaky breath as I open the door. I first see a familiar pair of Doc Martens at my feet and I look up to meet my favorite pair of chocolate brown eyes. I instantly smile for what seems like the first time in years. It’s Arin. He meets my eyes and smiles back, it’s only been a week I can’t believe how much I missed him. I see the sadness in his eyes, ones that probably echo mine. I’m still smiling as warm tears cascade down my cheeks. I’m so happy to see him, and yet I feel so miserable. Seeing him brings back so many memories, and they aren’t all good ones. I start to sob into my hands in front of him and soon I feel warm hands rubbing my back as his arms wrap around me. “Oh Danny…it’s alright, I’m right here,” I hear him say. God, I really am I mess, aren’t I? “Let’s go inside, okay? It’s freezing outside and you’re in your bathrobe still.” Shit. He was right. Honestly, I probably have been for the past few days. God dammit, I probably was in it when I confronted Ross. That’s so embarrassing, and I was trying to be intimidating. Strange thing is, I never even felt the cold. It didn’t register. Meanwhile, Arin led me inside, and to the couch where I just dejectedly sat down. “I’ll make you some tea ok?” He said as he began to take off his winter gear, and I give him a small nod as I wipe my tears away.

As he took off his coat I managed to get a really good look at him. Goddamn, my heart was speeding up. He was wearing a black t-shirt that fit him in all the right places, and a pair of dark blue jeans. He had his hair up in a messy bun, the way I loved it most. It wasn’t that striking of an outfit but it was on him so my heart was racing in a way that it shouldn’t. I've stopped crying, but my face is still red. I feel it heat up even more now that I was looking at him, and thinking about things that I really shouldn’t think about. Which this only resulted in my face becoming even more flushed. I need to stop before I get other problems in different places. I watch Arin grab two mugs for tea and fix it just the way I like it. I watch his every movement, and I’m transfixed like a sailor drawn to a siren.

Even though I feel so happy right now, I keep getting flashbacks of the worst things. I’m switching from happy to sad in a matter of seconds and getting a horrible headache, but at least I’ve stopped crying. He brings the tea to me in my favorite blue mug and I take a tentative sip, knowing it's still too hot. He casually drinks his own tea from his designated pink mug like it wasn’t even boiling a minute ago.

“I’m sorry,” I start, the words flowing without me even thinking about what I should say. “I didn’t mean to miss so many of your calls. I was asleep.”

“For a week?” He raises an eyebrow at me as he calls out my bullshit. I mean, I was sleeping a lot but is not like those missed calls would go away.

“I meant the several ones you made today.” I take a deep breath. ”I really didn’t mean to. I just couldn’t talk to you yet. And then Ross came over and that shit happened and I definitely wasn’t ready. For anyone really...” I look down into my tea in shame, I trace my thumb along the edge of the mug. I could feel Arin's eyes burning into the side of my head, but I was afraid that if I looked at him, I’d burst into tears again. He set his mug down and scooted closer to me on the couch, I could feel his body heat radiating off of him and I suddenly felt much more comfortable.

“Ross came over?” The anger in his voice almost made me flinch. I finally turn to him and he has a stern look on his face. I know it wasn’t meant for me, but it still gave me chills. I examined his face as I tried to formulate words.

“Yeah, he supposedly wanted to explain himself. I didn’t let him in of course,” I close my eyes, remembering the look on Ross’ face that causes my heart to ache. “He told me that he never really loved me. When I asked him to marry me he only said yes out of pity. At that moment I was really angry. I told him to never speak to me again. But after that happened I can’t stop thinking about it.”

“I’m sorry Danny. I told him to stay away from you. For now at least, to give you time,” He sighed. “He obviously didn’t listen.”

“Wait,” I look up to meet his eyes and set down my own mug. “You’ve been talking to him?” Anger began coursing through me. There’s no way. Arin wouldn’t do that to me, right?

He rubs the back of his head nervously. “Well, yes.” And there my heart goes. Another piece breaks off.

“Great. You’ve been talking to him. The guy that used your best friend, the guy who broke his heart? You’ve just been chatting him up like you guys are good old pals?” I stood up, moving away from his warmth, but instantly wanting to move back.

“It wasn’t like that Danny.” He sighed, looking at me as if I was a child.

I run my hands through my messy hair, tugging it, roping it through my fingers. “What could’ve possibly made you want to talk to him? He ruined everything!”

“He’s still my friend Dan. Am I not supposed to talk to my friend?” He said this with a mix of guilt and defiance in his tone, and I started to become more and more angry by the second.

“He broke my heart Arin!” Salty tears of frustration are pouring down my face as I pace the living room. My hands are shaking with anger and sadness. Why? Why, why,  _ why _ ,  _ why _ ,  _ why _ ,  **_why_ ** ? “Leave Arin. Ple-please just. Leave me alone.”

He began to speak pleadingly as if he was about to lose me in an instant. “Dan please listen…I’m sorry. I don’t have to go! We can talk-” He stood and tried to touch me. I quickly moved away from him, and at that moment, I was afraid of his heat.

“No! Please, I can’t right now. I can’t do this.” And then I let the words fall out. “I can’t do this. I thought I could, but I can’t. Arin, you make me so happy it hurts sometimes. But then it actually hurts because every time I see you… I think of Ross. I think of my wedding day. I think of every single moment I shared with him. I can’t do it.” He was silent as he furrowed his brows in sadness.

“When will you be ready for me?”

“I-I… don’t know.” My voice shaking even though I willed it to stop.

“When? Danny, when? Until next winter? Until I’m not in your life anymore? How do you think I feel? I’ve waited years for you Dan, and now that I’ve almost got you, you draw further and further away from me…I miss you! I miss my best friend! When will this end?”

“I don’t know, Dammit!” My breathing becomes uneven as I sob. I’m pulling my hair now, hoping the physical pain will just absorb the emotional pain. My shaking knees aren’t strong enough to hold me up anymore, so I slump to the ground as I open my eyes to see Arin’s horrified face, contorted with many emotions. Without another word, he walks away from me, grabs his coat, and leaves. I don’t stop him, but I tried to will myself to stand. I didn’t have the energy. The sound of the door closing makes me flinch, I fall to my knees, sobbing into my palms.

I stay limp on my living room floor for what seems like all of eternity. I stay there until my sobs turn into to hiccups, and then until the hiccups turn into uneven breaths. My headaches, and for the first time in awhile I lift my head and I open my eyes. The first thing I see is Arin’s pink mug, now gone cold. The sobs start all over again.


	3. Chapter Three

I guess I would have to do this. I’m not ready. I don’t want to do it. I invited so many people from work to my wedding. They saw it all. Finally, I was ready to go. For the first time in a week, I had taken off the bathrobe and put on some acceptable clothes. Straightening my tie, I felt my phone vibrate from my back pocket. It was a text from my older sister, Dana. Yes, we were Dan and Dana, my parents had quite the sense of humor back when they actually loved each other.

_ Hey Dan, thank you so much for letting us go on your trip. It was great, Brian and I had so much fun. How are you doing? I know it’s your first day back to work. _

My sister tended to ramble when she was unsure about something, even in text. I sigh and type out a generic response. I love my sister, but we were never really all that personal with each other. We mostly caught up on holidays and family reunions.

_ Hey sis, I’m doing just fine. Glad you enjoyed the trip. _ I toss the phone onto my bed, using my now free hands to pull my hair into a ponytail. I say ponytail but it was more like a poof on my head. Arin always thought it was cute. I shake my head, trying to get the thought out of my head. Nope, I can’t think of him, I’ll fall apart again. Oh boy, today was going to be fun. My break down was only two days ago and I definitely wasn’t ready but I couldn’t just skip out on work. I stand in front of my wall mirror, I'm wearing my favorite blue button up and my comfiest pair of jeans but I still don’t feel okay. It felt like a weight was trying to drag me down to the floor. I just have to suck it up for a little while, I just need to check in at the office and get all of the projects I need to start and I can go home. I begin to make my way out the door and I begin to say goodbye to nobody. I’m so used to either saying goodbye to Ross or Arin, but now neither of them are here. Tears prick my eyes and I feel my lip start to tremble, but I quickly wipe the tears away and suppress my emotions. I can’t drive with tears in my eyes.

I get in my car and take a deep breath as I start the engine. I’m making it a personal goal to not cry while I’m at work. It should be manageable since I should be there for only an hour. I have a strictly professional relationship with my coworkers and boss, so showing up with tears streamed down my face would be quite an embarrassment and cause for alarm. I focus all of my energy on everything but Arin or Ross as I drive, and I turn on the radio to my favorite classic rock station to help distract myself. The radio was in the middle of playing my favorite Elton John song, “Rocket man”. I smiled and began singing along to the song as it played in my car.

I had been singing ever since I was young, and all of my friends would say that I was a very talented singer. Arin and I used to dance around in my living room singing to all kinds of music. Whether it be “Wild Wild West” by Will Smith, “Living on a Prayer” by Bon Jovi, or “Nights on Broadway” by Bee Gees. There would always be silly dance moves or not so silly waltz dances that made us be a little too close to each other. There was one particular time where we lip-synched to “Prayer” by Hayley Westenra and pranced and laughed around the room. At one point we ended up together in each other's arms. Swaying together, as if there was nothing that could disturb us. At the red stoplight, I closed my eyes, remembering everything. Every touch, every smile. All too soon there was honking of the several cars behind me, the light had turned green. I miss him, fuck, now I’m crying.

I already didn’t achieve my goal but it’s fine, that didn’t count. I was still in the car. I take deep breaths, it’s fine. Everything will be fine. I continue my drive to work focusing on the music and where I’m going, rather than anything; or anyone, else. My clammy hands grip the steering wheel, and the rest of the drive I achieve without breaking down with ease. Pulling into the parking lot I see that my usual parking spot hasn’t been taken, they probably feel bad for me. They aren't supposed to know what happened, but I’m assuming they already do. Pulling into my usual spot I feel an overwhelming sense of dread. I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to see their pitying stares. I lean my forehead against the steering wheel, I can do this, even if I can’t, I have to. It’s only for a little while. Then I can get home and back into my bathrobe. Maybe this will be good. I can work instead of thinking about certain people.

I get out of my car, grabbing my bag and the previous plans I was working on from passenger’s seat. I got this. I just have to be confident, since I know that is how I usually am. I have to stride in there like the sexy ass man that I am. I am not depressed at all. I am not affected in any way. At all. What are panic attacks? They don’t exist to me.

I grab the rolled up papers with all my drawings and head inside. Shaking from the cold, in all my worrying I forgot to grab my coat. I run up the stairs to the second floor of our building, breathing heavy from jogging. I guess it had been awhile since I’ve climbed up these stairs, I’m already out of shape being as thin as I am. I open the glass door and I immediately feel the stares of my coworkers. I see Brian and Holly talking and laughing with each other but they stop immediately when they see me. I hate to see them look at me like that, they were my best work friends. I use past tense because after what happened to me, they won’t know me as the person I used to be. I decided to just keep my head down before they come up to me or I start crying. I actually make it to my boss’ office without faltering. My boss, Mr. Kramer, is the nicest guy I’ve ever met. He even called yesterday and I told me I didn’t have to come in today, but I still told him deadlines are deadlines and he understood that better than anyone else.

My plan was to just go in, get my new projects, hand these old ones in and leave. I can do that, I don’t even need to talk to anyone. “Hey, Barry, nice to see you.” He looks up from his papers to meet my eyes.

“Hey there Danny! How’re doing?”

“Oh, you know:” I got left at the altar, turns out the guy who left me never loved me and worst of all, I’m not talking to Arin. “I’m doing pretty okay.”

“Well, I’m excited to see what you’ve drawn up.”

I smile and shift the rolls of paper from under my arm to him. I’m actually quite proud that I managed to get all of it done even before my wedding. Or rather, would-be wedding.

“Thanks for these. I really appreciate you still doing them despite both your wedding and honeymoon.” He chuckles as he scans the drawings

Just keep smiling, just keep smiling. He means well. He just doesn’t know is all. “Of course. I’d never let you down.” I just need to get out of here. “So how about those new projects? I’m really excited to get back to work.”

“Ah, of course.” He gestures me to come over and we talk about a new company that reached out to us. He’s letting me do it. I’ve been working here for a few years now but I’ve never been trusted with something this big before. My drawings will have to fully catch the interest of the client and make them stay with us.

“You’re really one of my best employees here Dan, I mean that truly, so I want to give this job to you. I trust you, and I know you’re capable of this. Make me proud.” He gives me a kind smile and he shakes my hand. Well, this is convenient pity now, isn’t it?

“Thank you, Barry. I promise I won’t let you down. I’ll see you next week!” For the first time in awhile, I felt genuine happiness. I was moving up. Maybe after this, I could get a promotion! I need to slow down, I’m getting ahead of myself. I first need to do well on this first. Now I just have to walk back through the desks and through the lobby, and then get home and I can start. I will do better than I ever have before and I will knock their socks off. I am my own man and I can do this.

As I think this in my head I make eye contact with my coworkers Brian and Holly again, who are chatting and laughing with each other. They see me and remember their original mission in talking to me. Holly looks like she’s going to come over to me. Nope. Not today. I don’t even know why I’m doing this but I know I just can’t get into it with her. Not right now. I manage a small wave as I keep my head down and use my long legs to my advantage and beat her to lobby doors. I run down the stairs and manage to make it to my car and drive away. I feel bad, especially looking back and seeing the hurt in her eyes, but that doesn’t matter right now. What matters is this project I’m going to kick ass at.

I realized I reached my goal and I give myself a mental pat on the back. It’s just baby steps right now, but it’s at least progress. I take deep breaths as I take out the hair tie from my hair and shake my head to loosen my curls. My mind races with ideas for the project I can hardly stand myself, this was something I was actually really looking forward to for once. Hell, this may even help me steer my mind away from Infamous Man #1 and #2. I return to my house again, and in my excitement to become a hermit once more, I didn’t even notice the slurry of miscellaneous packages of various sizes at my doorstep until I reached it. I’m fumbling with my keys once I notice, and overwhelming confusion controls me.

“What the hell?” I say out loud to myself, “I didn’t order anything..” I bend down to examine the packages and the mailing address. Daniel Levitansky, that was my name alright, but then why are these packages here? I step over all of the boxes and unlock my door and set down my drawings and bag, then I slowly but surely bring in the dozens of packages on my porch. I count each package as I bring them inside and I count 27 boxes total. They all vary in size, but they were all mostly on the large and hefty side. Once all of the packages are in the living room, I set my things aside and grab a small knife from the kitchen. There was going to be a lot of tape slicing here. I seat myself down on the floor and open up one of the larger packages, once the box is opened I have to sift through an ungodly amount of packing peanuts to even reach what’s inside. I grab the mystery item, of which seems to be another box. I heave quickly and hold the large box in front of me triumphantly. It was one of those automatic coffee makers, where you just press a couple buttons and practically any hot beverage would be brewed for you in seconds. In simple terms, I had gotten a Keurig in the mail. “But I didn’t order this…?” I turn the box around to look for some sort of piece of paper or sign or anything. On the top of the box, There was a white envelope with nice cursive writing on it. I recognize it as my sister's handwriting. I rip the card off the box and I am overcome with shock. On the card, my sister had written ‘Dan and Ross’ in her fancy script. Although, Ross’ name was crossed off. Could this be… I fumble with the already opened envelope and pull out the card that remained inside. There was a cutesy little drawing of two men in suits facing each other under wedding bells. Jesus Christ. I sigh deeply, realizing that all of these gifts are wedding presents. I open up the card and scan it quickly. From the looks of it, Dana had edited the card and wrote a message inside specifically for me. I could practically hear her voice reading me her note.

The note said in short that everyone who had gifts for us sent them all to me because everyone collectively agreed that Ross was an asshole. Finally. Although despite all of the lovely gifts, I was so angry I could cry. The world was just trying to ruin my good mood. Why can’t I just be happy? Why is that so much to ask for? I almost threw down the Keurig in rage, but quickly stopped myself. The first gift I had opened was very high quality and nice, and goddamnit I actually wanted this Keurig. My anger slowly dissolved and I smiled slyly to myself. Screw Ross, I’m keeping this god damn Keurig and I’m not gonna feel bad about it, it was a swell Keurig and I was going to use it to my heart's content. I set the Keurig down off to the side and get back down to business. I begin slicing open more boxes and removing their contents and reading various cards. I didn’t even get upset once, it felt good seeing all of these generous gifts. I wasn’t a selfish person by no means, but if this was some sort of karma for Ross leaving me then it felt really good.

I had received an abundance of towels, new kitchen appliances, mixing bowls, cutlery, and customized wedding related gifts of which I threw in the trash. I took everything out of its boxes and put them where they belong and I cleaned up the mess of boxes, tissue paper and packing peanuts. I take a deep breath and triumphantly smile to myself after defeating such a challenge.

I regain my senses and remember what I was going to. I grab my work bag and my papers and set them all on my drawing table in my study. I seat myself down on the stool as I situate myself down. I put on some music, which consisted of some of my favorite bands for ultimate concentration. I read over the guidelines and requirements for the project as I twirl my drawing pencil in my hand like a drummer would with his drumsticks. I begin to draw up multiple floor plans for various ideas. Time ceased to exist when I was drawing, the light was changing around me but I had not noticed. My pencil danced across the paper, expressing itself freely without abandon. The pencil was a  puppet and I was the puppetmaster. I barely even heard the music playing, and I didn’t even notice when my phone died and it stopped. The next thing I remember is waking up on my table with the paper sticking to my face. I groggily checked the oven clock and the time said 2:27, which I assumed was in the morning. I shuffle to my bedroom and collapse on my bed. I don’t even remember my head hitting the pillow.


	4. Chapter Four

The next couple of weeks were a blur, I went through the cycle of eating, drawing, and sleeping every day for what it seemed like years when in reality it was only December. I felt as if I was in a daze sitting at my drawing table, and I could only focus on two things. Those being the project and Arin. Whenever I worked I thought of him, he was an artist after all. Arin made animated cartoons for a living, his sense of humor combined with his writing and art skills were a perfect combination in order to do what he loved. I know him and I do different types of art, but he still inspires me nonetheless, he was always the one to tell me to push myself and strive for what I want in my life. He was the one who knew how to motivate me and say that I could do anything. As I am thinking this to myself, I am aware of my use of past tense, and I feel tears well up in my eyes. I wipe them away but one drops onto the corner of one of my rough drafts, thankfully. I look over my progression from sketches to drafts to final drafts. I had drawn up three different ideas for the client to choose from or stem from. I felt that was the most flexible way to do this since the project was so open-ended. I was done with the project already, and the deadline was New Year's Day. I had about a month left to work, but I didn’t know what to do.

  I check the time and it’s already 5:00 in the afternoon. I’ve been working on this for a few hours, but it felt like minutes. Now that I was done I had nothing else to do. I decided to call Barry the next day and consult with him about arranging an early meeting with the client. I feel that I’m supposed to be excited about this project, but I don’t feel anything at all. I look down at my hands, there are pencil smudges and ink on my palms and fingers. I used to love seeing that after hours of hard work. I would look at my smudged hands and feel proud of myself. I think about the long hours I had put into these blueprints, and the sleep I lost from work. I should be proud, right? But I’m not feeling anything at all, I just feel weightless. As if I was just floating in space, without the effect of gravity restraining me.

I snap out of my daze and shut my eyes tight. I don’t know what came over me there, I’m probably just really sleep deprived. I rub my eyes and go to my bedroom, collapsing onto my bed and staring up at my ceiling. That episode back in my study was weird, but I cast it away from my cloudy mind. Within minutes I’m sleeping soundly as snow began to gently fall outside my window.

**~.~.~**

Something began to happen to me in December, but I wasn’t prepared for it in the slightest. Over there next month, my skin began to become a pasty white, bags under my eyes darkened into an empty gray, and my thin figure became even bonier and angular. I looked as if I was some sort of inhuman creature; a ghoul of sorts, the kind of thing you’d see when you're out on Halloween night. I was convinced I was practically a living corpse. When you look in the mirror and you see someone other than yourself in the mirror, you’d want to change right? For some odd reason, I felt nothing when I looked in the mirror every day. I accepted my appearance as if it’s what I had always looked like this whole time; dead inside.

I arranged a meeting with the client I did the project for and they loved the drawings and accepted the blueprints almost immediately, and I had received the promotion just like Barry said I would. I should have been overwhelmed with happiness and ecstasy, but I wasn’t. I simply sat back and smiled politely as Barry went through the details. It felt as if I hadn’t even done it myself, but rather another entity. Another being, that I was watching through a screen. It wasn’t me, but actually my happier self. How I am now was empty and sad. My happier self was filled with color and life and happiness and everything that I wasn’t right now. He is gone, he is dead.

It was 2 days until Christmas, but I hadn’t even known until I looked at the date on my phone’s lock screen. I had a slew of miscellaneous notifications yelling at me from the screen. Missed calls, text messages, emails, every sort of social media notifications, everything that required social interaction to some degree. I had impulsively deleted my phone contacts awhile ago, so I didn’t know who was leaving the messages. I haven’t spoken to anyone in a long time, the last time was when I got promoted, and I told Barry I needed to take time off for personal reasons. He understood and said I could work from home if I wanted, which was the offer I had taken up. I wasn’t working though, I shuffled around my house into all of the rooms.

I felt like I lost something, and I was looking for it. What had I lost? My best friend? My potential lover? The number one thing that mattered to me most? Yes. I had lost all of those things at the same time, Arin. Arin was gone. And I don’t think I’ll ever be able to get him back. I had ruined what we had. I had ruined everything that happened in those 25 years I’ve known him. Every memory I was no longer able to recollect. They sat degrading in the filing cabinet of my mind. They were too painful to think about. Did he even care? Arin was always the one to be there for me, but where was he now? He hasn’t even called me, as far as I know. He hasn’t come to my door or even sent me a text. Why hasn’t he? Is he avoiding me just as much as I’m avoiding him? I have questions, but they will never be answered. I was dead to Arin, but he was the only thing keeping me alive. My sister? She was the poster child, she always told the spotlight and I was the one stuck on the sidelines. She doesn’t care, so I don’t care. My parents? They didn’t pay attention to their younger son because they were too busy adoring their eldest child and grinding their family into the dirt. They don’t care, so I don’t care.

I chuckle to myself, my thoughts were almost like sad poetry, is that what happens when you’re depressed and dying? I stumble to the side slightly, but a wall catches me. Which wall is it? What room am I even in? I don’t even know at this point, I’m lost in my own house. My eyelids are one thousand pounds, and I’ve lost all the strength to keep them open. They close and it’s the last thing I remember for the day or night, I don’t which is which anymore.

**~.~.~**

My own memories are locked away, and I can’t find the key. It’s New Year’s Eve, my television is tuned to Dick Clark’s yearly New Year's party. There are 5 minutes left until the new year, and I feel as if once the ball dropped, I will collapse and not be able to get up ever again. This thought doesn’t scare me though, it’s rather comforting and reassuring. Maybe I won’t have to go through another year of suffering ever again.

I shakily stand up from the couch and stumble into the bathroom and open the medicine cabinet, but not before I’m forced to look in the mirror. Who is the man that has been staring back at me for all these weeks? I only know him as the man who is going to die tonight. Sleeping pills were what he needed. When he couldn’t sleep, he used prescription medicine for it, and he begged me to take them. I fumble with the bottle cap and dump pills into my bony hand. I dump them into my mouth and swallow them, they make a pile in my empty stomach and it hurts to even put anything in my body.

I carry the bottle with me back into the living room and there’s one minute left till the ball drops. I turn to my window and all I see is darkness all around the house, in the street, in the houses across from mine, and in the sidewalks. There is one thing that sticks out to me, there is something on the sidewalk. It looks like a person. I close my eyes but suddenly all of the colors around me be begin to blend and swirl around me. I can’t feel anything around me, the voices from the television are far away and echoing in my ears. I’m on the floor is the next thing I figure out. My eyes begin to close, I use the last bit of my strength to smile to myself.

“Happy new year!” The faraway voices say, and the last thing I hear is a door opening. I black out, and I hope I never wake up.


	5. Chapter Five

There is obnoxious and slow beeping in my ears, but it won't stop. What is that sound? I try to open my eyes, but it takes so much of my energy away. Through the thin slits of my eyes I can only see bright whites and yellows. I don’t know what I’m looking at, but it burns. It was as if I was staring into the sun. I try to move my body but I realize something is holding me back. I open my eyes all the way and I’m staring at flickering fluorescent lights. I blink many times to clear my vision and I look down at my body, but I immediately start to panic. I was in a white gown. My wrists were tied down. What the hell is happening to me and where am I? The beeping gets faster and faster by the second and I try to get out of my restraints. My breathing is labored and I feel like I’m about to pass out. I hear panicked voices around the corner but my vision is still too blurry to see clearly. There are two people in front of me and they’re rapidly rushing towards me and they grab my shoulders trying to keep me down. I start to yell, but I can’t hear what I’m saying. Why do I sound miles away? The only thing I hear is the beeping, and it’s only getting faster.

“Sir you need to calm down.” a voice said sternly. Why am I so confused? What happened to me? Where am I? What am I doing? Thousands of thoughts are racing through my head. Beeping. Louder and louder and louder and louder. I scream at the top of my lungs. Everything is too overwhelming. I felt a sharp pain in the crook of my arm, and something seeping into my bloodstream. It’s as cold as ice, and it starts to freeze my whole body. Suddenly there was nothing again. Darkness and calm. The beeping was gone. There was no noise. There was nothing.

**~.~.~**

There it was, the beeping again. Although it wasn’t as annoying as I last remember. It was much quieter now.

“Mr. Levitansky, can you hear me?” an echo whispers to me. I can hear you, I say. The echo doesn’t respond to me. “Can you hear me sir?” the echo whispers again, but just a little bit louder. I realize the echo isn’t in my head, but rather outside of it. I try to say something, but the only sound that comes out of my throat is a deep rasp as if I haven't used my vocal cords in days. “Good, you’re awake now. Glad to see you’re doing better.” It was a man's voice speaking to me, and he sounded friendly enough. I try to pry open my eyelids, but they seemed glued shut. I open them enough to try an assess my surroundings. I see the man standing off to the side of me, he has a white coat on and a green tie. I can't quite see his face though. I try to take a deep breath, but I feel something squeezing me. I peer downward and see arm, chest, and leg restraints.

“What the hell…?” I begin to remember what happened before and I begin to panic again.

“Sir, it’s alright. You’re in the hospital. Although, you’re currently under suicide watch.”

Suicide watch? Hospital? What the hell happened? I don’t remember anything, how long have I been here? “I understand that you may have a lot of questions, and I can answer them all for you”

I start to breathe heavily, but suddenly things are now starting to make sense. The beeping was the heart monitor. I was talking to a doctor. I was restrained in a hospital bed.

“I guess you could start from the beginning,” I whisper, I can barely speak.

“Well, on New years day at 12:01 in the morning there was a 911 call for an ambulance, and that was for you. The person who had admitted you has asked to remain anonymous, but they said they found you unconscious on your living room floor. When you arrived here, we found that you had overdosed on sleeping pills, were suffering from dehydration and exhaustion, and you were severely malnourished.

“We had reason to believe that you had purposefully led yourself to this condition, and we had to restrain you in order to ensure that you did not try to hurt yourself. When you regained consciousness the next day, you were in a severe state of confusion. We put you under anesthesia because you had become violent. That was two days ago and here we are now.” The doctor had a solemn look on his face, he was clearly upset to deliver my own attempted suicide to me.

Everything became clear now, the past few weeks. I didn’t even notice that I wasn’t eating or drinking. What’s wrong with me? I tug at the restraints, hoping that they’ll fall away and I can move my limbs again but to no avail. I lie back down, suddenly feeling extremely tired. Maybe if I sleep I can wake up and see that this is all just a bad dream.

**~.~.~**

It didn’t stop. I stayed there for 72 hours, and each hour I spent awake felt like an eternity. They finally took the restraints off after the first 48 hours, and I could leave my room, as long as I was accompanied by a nurse. I didn’t have anything to do. I simply watched the snow fall outside. What a great way to start the new year.

After I was released, they very strongly recommended that I see a therapist. I didn’t want to go at first, as most people would be apprehensive. But my doctor kept insisting, and I finally gave in. I was to see Dr. Richards the following Tuesday, and every Tuesday afterward.

Dr. Richards, or Dr. Kim, was a very short Asian girl. She wore a red streak in her black hair, and her office wasn’t blinding white like I thought it would be. It was actually painted a light blue color, and her office was very neatly decorated. Pops of color were everywhere, and she immediately greeted me with a smile. She introduced herself, but I could barely speak two words to her. I wasn’t great at meeting people, especially doctors.

I saw her every week, and for the first two session, we didn’t talk. She was happy to sit in silence, her leg bopping to some silent beat. The third session she asked me about what tv shows I liked. I actually responded, expressing my love for Sherlock and The Big Bang Theory. Much to my surprise, she liked those things too. It was such a comfort to actually talk to someone after being alone for weeks. She was actually a really nice person.

After the sixth session, she finally snapped. “Now, Dan.” She uncrossed her legs, and I knew she was getting serious. “As much as I’d love to debate how Moriarty is back, I want to know more about you. Tell me, I want to know what your childhood is like.”

It seemed like the classic therapy trope, of how the source of all of your issues was hiding in your past, your childhood. “It was rather shitty actually,” I say bluntly

“How so?” She says, scribbling on her notebook without breaking eye contact.

“I lost my childhood innocence very quickly. When I was ten, I killed my dog.” I saw her eyebrows raise, god she must think I’m a psychopath. “N-not like that. We left for a family trip, and it was my job to make sure he had enough water and food. But I hadn't. I found him dead in my bedroom when we got back.”

“Do you think that was your fault?”

“Well it was, wasn’t it? I hadn’t given him enough food and water. I had killed him.”

“Maybe you had just forgotten, but you are human after all. Humans forget sometimes. That’s okay.”

“It wasn’t just that though. My parents had gotten divorced, and they say it wasn’t, but it  _ was _ because of me. They’re okay enough now, they’re at least somewhat civil. But they could’ve been happy together if it wasn’t for me.”

“Why do you think that was because of you?”

“I was a very demanding kid. I was always asking for attention and things I wanted. Stuff I didn’t need. I knew it annoyed my parents, but I couldn’t help myself. Suddenly they were fighting more and more, usually about money, and then the next thing I knew they were sitting me down and saying they were ‘separating’.”

“You think that them fighting was your fault?”

“Yes. I put too much stress on them. Plus it was winter. Bad shit always happens when it first snowed. My dog dying, my parents getting divorced, all of it. It was always the snow.” What was I saying? Snow? I thought I was over that by now. “Sorry, it wasn’t winter, it was me. That’s an absurd thing to say. I figured that out last year. Arin tried to tell me that it wasn’t, but he was just trying to make me feel better.”

“Who’s Arin?” She seemed very intrigued by this sudden subject change.

“He’s my best friend. Or rather  _ was _ . I fucked that up too.”

“What happened to you two?”

“That’s a whole different story, and I’m not ready to talk about it. That’s actually what led me to… this.” I gesture to the entire situation with a waving of my hands.

“You know, Dan. Sometimes it’s good to think or even talk about things like this. You can’t keep things bottled inside. It never works out, believe me. If you keep it all bottled, one day you’ll explode.”

I knew she was right, but I didn’t want to think about Arin right now, it was too painful. I  _ couldn’t  _ talk about him. I stand from her couch, picking up my coat and slipping it on. “Can we be done for today? I’m ready to go home.”

“Of course. I’ll see you in a week, Dan.” She stands from her seat and reaches to shake my hand. I shake it, but I don’t look at her. I leave her office, heading straight for my car. I almost slip on a patch of melting snow. I briefly seethe, but then I smile. Summer is coming sooner and sooner. When I get back to my house, I pick up the phone, with full intent to stop all appointments with Dr. Kim. But I just couldn’t do it. A nagging voice in the back of my head that sounded a little like Arin told me that I needed to see her and that I needed to talk to someone if it wasn’t going to be him. I scoffed and tossed my phone to the other side of the couch. I’d listen for now, but tomorrow I’ll call.


	6. Chapter Six

I never called. The next week I was there, and she was already asking more questions about my life. I told her about Dana and my parents. Even when I met Arin. I still wasn’t ready to talk about Ross though. His name felt like poisonous venom being injected into my skin. Dr. Kim listened calmly, scribbling in her notepad all the while. I pondered what she wrote in there about me. Probably things like; asshole, fucked up, needs serious help. I felt like a teenager again, so full of angst and hate. The rational adult inside of me was saying I was being ridiculous, but the angsty teen was saying it wasn't a phase.

Eventually, at our next session, I confessed to her about my stupid snow theory. How all the bad things in my life happened when it started to snow. She frowned at that, and almost looked confused, but nodded at me, telling me to keep going.

“It’s just like the snow plagues me, everyone, where I go. It watches me, it stalks me, I feel like it wants to hurt me. I know it’s not a person, it doesn’t have any feelings. But it can’t just be some stupid coincidence that the worst thing to ever happen to me happened when it was snowing.”

“What was the worst thing?”

“Ross.” Saying his name after all this time made my hands shake. I grasp onto the edge of the couch to make them stop. “I thought he was the love of my life. He and I were going to get married last November. It snowed the day of our wedding, it was the first snow of the year. He didn’t show up. I can’t stop seeing the pity in my family and friends faces from that day. I could barely stand to look at Arin, I just kept seeing the way he looked that day.”

“But it’s obvious that Arin cares for you very deeply.” She says plainly.

“Maybe he really did, I don’t know. I screwed up pretty badly”

“How?”

“Arin’s in love with me, or at least he was. That’s why Ross didn’t show up, he had known about what Arin thought of me, but I didn’t. The day of my wedding, Arin and I had kissed. God, it was the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. But I was supposed to get married to someone else that day. I told him I needed time. A few weeks later, he shows up at my house. He wanted to be there for me. I found out that he was still talking to Ross and I just yelled at him. I thought he had just violated my trust and I couldn’t take it anymore. We were both really upset. I kept telling him to leave but he just kept pushing. I snapped and broke down. He had just… left.”

“Do you want to talk to Arin?”

“Yes. I want to tell him everything that’s been going on. I want to screw around with him and play stupid games. I want to lip-sync around my living room like we used to. I just want him back. I want him next to me. He was by my side for so long and I don’t feel whole without him there.”

“What if we get Arin here? We can all talk about the stuff that’s been bothering him and talk about how you feel.”

I begin to panic, my brain counted even handle the thought of him being  _ theoretically  _ here. “No.”

“Okay, but why not then? If you don’t mind me asking of course.”

“I’m not ready to talk about that with him. I want to, believe me, I do, but I’m just afraid of breaking down in front of him, like all of the other times I‘ve tried to talk about things with him. You should’ve seen his face. He looked horrified with me. I can’t do that to him again. That’s why I can’t reach out just yet. I’m not okay yet. I don’t want him to see me until I’m okay again.”

“But don’t you think that he’d want to help you? You did tell me he was your best friend.”

“He probably does, but I can’t do that to him. Don’t you see how I look right now? I barely even recognize myself. He can’t see this side of me. I won’t let him.”

“What do you think you look like?”

“A ghost. In simple terms. Sure, I get all pale during winter but never like this. I’ve gotten better since that night but...” I sigh, remembering the minutes I spent staring at myself in the mirror. “I was nearly non-existent, like a ghost, to be true I still sort of am. I’ve been eating, but it’s still quite difficult. I don’t eat half as much as I used to.”

“You’re trying, that’s what matters.” She smiles at me and she checks her watch, and I now realize we’ve gone five minutes past our time slot. “That’s all the time we’ve got for today. I’ll see you next Tuesday, Dan.” We both get up, shaking hands as we usually do.

I shove my cold hands in my pockets as I leave the building, and it takes me a few seconds to realize that it’s raining. It was still chilly, but after dealing with months of snow, the rain was quite comforting. Damn, it’s already March. How has the time passed by so quickly?

**~.~.~**

At our next session, I find myself talking about my snow theory again. I told her how happy I was that the snow was finally melting.

“I know it’s not the snow’s fault. But summer brings me so much happiness. I’m generally a cold person, and when it’s summer I get to be warm. Plus, I really love the outdoors.”

“I do as well. But that brings me to what I wanted to talk to you about.”

I feel one of my eyebrows twitch, I wasn’t excited to hear what she had to say. “Yes?”

“There is a mental illness called Seasonal Affective Disorder. It’s a type of depression that’s related to change in seasons. For most people with this disorder, your symptoms start to develop usually in late fall and continue all the way through winter. You can start to feel moody, your weight fluctuates, you lose energy, loss of appetite, things like that. There’s a lot of things that can cause it but I really think it’s because of all the traumatizing things that happened to you during winter and it caused you to associate winter, or snow, with depression.”

I sat back and let it soak it all in. I am hyper-aware of the silence filling the room, but I don’t know how long it lasted.  “Is that what I really have?”

“I believe so, there are things we can do to treat it. Regular therapy like we have now certainly helps.”

I had figured I had some sort of depression, but this threw me for a loop. “I just never thought that was an illness. It never occurred to me that that was what I was struggling with.”

“Yeah, it happens to a lot of people, many don’t even realize.”

“I see, thank you so much doctor, you don't know how much this means to me,” I say as I stand up, I smile at her and shake her hand. She returns the smile and I exit her office. As I walk out of the building, tears roll down my cheeks. I finally have answers, and it feels so good.

After I get home I feel an overwhelming sensation of relief wash over me. So many things make sense now when they hadn’t before. I quickly realize that I’m exhausted, so I strip down to my boxers and t-shirt, and I flop down onto my bed and stare up at my ceiling. I slowly drift off to sleep smiling to myself.


	7. Chapter Seven

Soon after my diagnosis, my life really started to turn around for the better. After realizing what the actual problem was, I didn’t blame myself for everything awful that happened to me. I started to have a new outlook on winter and the snow that fell from its gray sky. I know the snow wasn’t trying to make my life miserable because it obviously wasn’t able to since it wasn’t sentient. The snow didn’t have malicious intentions against me, the snow was just something that happened every year. Nature has its own agenda, and it can be merciless, but I realize that its intention wasn’t to ruin anyone's life. Bad things are bound to happen in everyone's lives, and it was just coincidence that everything happened during the winter for me. I blamed myself for everything that happened, but it wasn’t like I wanted to, so I found a different outlet for my blame, which happened to fall upon winter. In the spring when I looked outside. I saw the snow begin to melt, and dark green grass beginning to show from underneath. I was happy to see the grass once again, but now I was sad to see the snow melt away. The snow was actually beautiful in a way, and the more I thought about it the more I appreciated it.

Once the snow melted and spring was in full bloom, I continued to go to my therapy sessions with Dr. Kim. She commented on the fact that I seemed much more healthy and happy since I first met her. In a way that was indeed true, but I still held the pain inside me leftover from the winter. I went back to work and I explained everything that had happened to me to Barry, and he sympathized with me and he wished I would have come to him. It was that typical ‘you should have come to me sooner’ bit, but I know there wouldn’t have been anything for him to do to help me, I still appreciate it though. Before I knew it it was summer. It was unbearably hot in the best way. My skin regained its natural coloring, and I was full of smiles just like my normal self always had been. The thought of Arin always lingered in my mind, I still wanted to speak with him, but I didn’t have the courage to go see him and confront what had happened between us.

The next thing I knew, the leaves on the trees began to burn bright reds, oranges, and yellows. The wind brought with it a reminder that winter was near. I was working at my drafting table trying to catch up on my work from being in therapy  _ and _ the hospital when I felt my phone ding and vibrate from my back pocket. It was the first message I had gotten in a long time. To be fair I hadn’t been talking to anybody still, except for Barry and clients occasionally. I still wasn’t ready to talk to anyone close to me. I pull my phone out and read what is on the screen. I felt a pang in my heart and it stopped for a moment and began to pound fiercely.

_ Arin Evenboer: Text Message (1) _

This cannot be real.

I unlock my phone with shaking fingers and look at the message. “Hey Dan, what’s up?” I couldn’t believe this. Why is he so casual? I haven't spoken to him in almost a year and yet he starts a conversation off like we usually would have. I sit frozen, he knows I read the message but I don’t know what to say. Suddenly I see that he begins to type out another message and I panic again. I turn my phone off and throw it onto the carpet as if it was on fire. My phone dings again but I don’t want to pick it up again. It keeps dinging, so I assume he is sending a string of messages. I pick up my phone again but I don't look at them quite yet. I’ll wait until he is done. Once I feel the coast is clear, I read all of his texts.

“I had a feeling you wouldn’t buy that, I didn’t know how to text you without it being weird but I guess I can’t really avoid that no matter what. I know we haven’t spoken in a very long time, and I’m sorry if you wanted me to reach out. I was trying to give you the space you said you needed. The last time we spoke I knew you were vulnerable and I shouldn't have told you about Ross. I cut it off with him anyway, he was making your life hell and I realized that you were right. I’m sorry about Ross and for everything that happened that night. I hope you can forgive me.” I was absorbing all of this and I couldn't help but cry tears of joy. I hadn't lost him, he was still there for me all this time.

“You don’t understand how happy I am right now.” I text back before I knew it we were talking again. He said if I wanted to we could still text but we didn't have to see each other if I still needed time, and we both decided that that would be the best option. I was on cloud nine, I had my best friend back, I was recovering and getting better, I knew what the winter meant to me, everything started to really look like they would turn out for the better. I smile and sigh to myself, I knew I would be able to be happy again, and it was going to happen really soon, I was sure of it.

**~.~.~**

New years eve once more, it was the one year anniversary of trying to take my own life, but it didn’t upset me as much as it probably should have. I had Arin back and that was all that mattered to me. I was alone again on New Years, but I didn’t mind it too much. I had caught up with my parents and told an alternative reason as to why I’ve been such a recluse. Work became too much of a hassle, too busy to visit, that sort of thing. I had been texting Arin tonight and he seemed like he was hiding something from me. Although it was probably just my imagination to be fair.

“You ready for the ball to drop?” I had said.

“I will be soon enough I guess, it will happen whether I’m ready or not.” I couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Doing anything special?”

“Oh you know, nothing too exciting. Just going to be spending it with a friend of mine.” I couldn't help but feel a little jealous, but as I read this I thought I had heard voices outside.

“Hope you have fun.”

“I know I will.” Just as I received the text, my doorbell rings. I stand up and go to the door, I’m in my usual bathrobe but I don’t really care. I was too busy thinking about the text to even think about who could possibly be at my door. I open it and I’m met with a late Christmas miracle. The first thing I see is a pair of familiar brown eyes.  _ Oh my god _ .


End file.
